Hi Friends,
Because of a new website design, my blog has moved to http://www.juliabutterfly.com/blog.html
i am no longer posting on this blog, but do please connect with me on my new blog!
Love and Gratitude,
julia
For Love Itself
“For Love”
(not for love of something or someone but for Love itself)
knocking
knocking at your door
i am prostrate at the altar of you
i run and hide and rage
only to return
humbled
by the knowing
that without you
i am merely a rented costume
empty of meaning
or life
i bow in reverence
and to reverence i return
it is only in the space of you
that i become truly alive
anything else is merely existence
as my heart breaks open
i know i am expanding
this
this is why
they call it growing pains
Thank You and Please Don’t “Fix” Me
Tears flow from a seemingly endless reservoir…
i know things will be fine.
i don’t need to be told.
It is patronizing
when the heart hurts this much
to try to “fix” me…
when all there is to do
is cry until I feel I might die in it.
I know there is nothing “True”
and all pain and suffering comes from
illusions of the mind.
i know to breathe, notice, let it go…
i don’t need to be told.
i don’t need to be told,
“This too shall pass.”
In this moment,
what is “true”
is that I am feeling
a deep and intense and overwhelming
sadness and grief…
and tears
that feel like razor blades
dismembering my heart and gut
wishing to die
because living in this pain is so much worse.
And yes, I know, I know, I know—
i am just dying to self,
dying to ego,
dying to letting go of illusion.
I don’t need to be told.
It is patronizing
when the heart hurts this much
to try to “fix” me.
It is patronizing
when the heart hurts this much
to try to “fix” me.
Please just let me be.
Don’t try to fix me.
Please just let me be.
And if you feel so moved…
maybe just love me…
without needing anything in return.
Without words even.
Just love me.
Because if there is anything that will
ease this sadness,
it is that soft energetic feeling,
like a gentle blanket,
of being held
without restraint, constraint, or restrictions,
rules or regulations,
qualifiers or quantifiers, or the need to teach or preach…
just that soft feeling of being held and loved.
For no reason.
For nothing earned or deserved.
For no reason.
And meanwhile I will sit here,
with tears pouring out of the hole in my soul
as my heart shatters and
my gut is sliced and spilling out into the abyss…
julia butterfly hill c January 23, 2014
In Honor of Friends, FRamily, Birthdays, and Blessings
Tomorrow is the birthday of the woman who has been co-worker, ally, friend, and now, my closest sister to me in my FRamily– and so much more. Alissa Hauser Last year, i was inspired by her response to the shootings at Sandy Hook.
I was so touched by her generosity in the face of tragedy (spurred by the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School) that i wanted to truly stretch beyond my normal giving nature, so i chose to donate to a different organization/s each month for a year in honor of her birthday and her husband Steve Brown (January 22nd birthday.) To see the inspiration behind my commitment, go to: http://28acts.tumblr.com/
For those of you who have followed my journey this last year, you know that i struggled on many levels– including financially. And part of the reason, i wanted to make such a big commitment around giving is that i know the best way to move beyond our own limitations (especially those that involve a feeling or experience of scarcity) is to give beyond reason. i made a commitment that i would give every month. i did not set a specific amount. Rather i chose to give at whatever level was a stretch for me that particular month.
And so i did. i gave every single month for a year. And of course, when standing in the space of generosity, in the midst of scarcity, blessings upon blessings of support also showed up in my life.
My personal life and my work is profoundly impacted by the gift of Alissa Hauser in it. i am a much better person for knowing her and having her in my life. And Steve Brown has been so supportive of Alissa, and often times volunteering his own time and expertise to various projects and campaigns we have done and/or been involved with. Plus, he lets me descend on his home and set up camp when i am in the area, and has been so supportive of me including when i was healing from various surgeries and health challenges. These two embody what we mean, when we say “FRamily.”
And to see how Alissa’s generosity continues to grow, inspire, and motivate– as well as how to join in the giving, go to:http://thepollinationproject.org/2013/12/30/every-day-givingtuesday/
Love and Bountiful Blessings of Kindness and Generosity.
i will list all the groups i can remember that i gave to in this last year, just in case you are inspired to contribute to one or more of them as well. i did not actually keep track of all of them, so these are the ones i can remember.
Winnemum Wintu tribe. i have worked with them and contributed to them in various capacities for many years.http://www.winnememwintu.us/
Honor The Earth doing incredible work on so many fronts.http://www.honorearth.org/
i have said for many, many years, “i wish i could have had a RUCKUS training BEFORE i went into Luna! Would have made such a HUGE difference for me. And they are making a HUGE difference in many communities giving some of the best trainings and support out there!
http://ruckus.org/
i am a founding and ongoing donor and adviser for Women’s Earth Alliance. i am very proud not only of WHAT they do, but also, HOW they do what they do!!http://www.womensearthalliance.org/
Oceana is doing great work for our Oceans. i supported them in particular because of the great work they are doing in Belize!http://oceana.org/
Sustainable Harvest International does wonderful work all over Central America. i supported them because of the great work they are doing in Belize which has been my home for the last 3 years.http://www.sustainableharvest.org/
When i met Adam Bucko and saw his unique and important approach for working with homeless youth with the Reciprocity Foundation, i instantly became a fan and supporter and have continued to be for years. http://www.reciprocityfoundation.org/Also check out his book co-authored with Matthew Foxhttp://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/books/books.php?id=25493
The Center For Biological Diversity is one of my favorite environmental organizations. i became an even bigger supporter of their great work when they started tackling the very big and intense challenge and issue of overpopulation and the impact that has on our beautiful planetary home.http://www.biologicaldiversity.org/
Those who know me closely, know that i have a HUGE place in my heart for all the children and teens who are already here on Mother Earth who need loving homes and support and that i am a HUGE advocate that people of privilege stop bringing any more beings onto our already overburdened Mother Earth and instead either adopt or give time and resources to supporting the young people already her. i am proud to be a supporter of Ambassadors of Hope and Opportunity. http://www.ahoproject.org/
i have been a supporter of various efforts, organizations, and individuals in this region of Arizona for many, many years. Having a permanent home is crucial to helping provide long-term sustainability for organizations and community efforts, so i contributed to the down payment for the Siléi Community Empowerment Project. http://oybm.org/give-a-gift-of-solidarity-support-help-silei-community-empowerment-project-with-final-down-payment/
And i supported my friend Michael Bock in his bicycle climate ride that raised money for great groups working on the global climate change issue.
Hope you found this post inspiring, empowering, and useful! And feel free to share!
Love and Blessings and Generosity Beyond Reason,
julia
In His Honor…
With the passing of the incredible Nelson Mandela, i saw many amazing quotes of his that people were and are posting on their Facebook pages to honor who he was to us and to the world.
i thought about these quotes and how amazing this man was–both in word and in deed. And then i thought about what would be the best way to honor this man’s life and his death? And as great as posting his quotes are (to remind ourselves of his phenomenal legacy and the things about him that move and inspire us) that the best way to honor him is through ACTION! Nelson Mandela’s life was about MOVING people to take action on behalf of a free South Africa and for freedom and justice for people experiencing oppression around the world. Inspiration without action does not change the world– as a matter of fact– inspiration without action makes us feel better while actually supporting the status-quo, the oppressors, the Earth destroyers, the animal abusers, and all the things that break our hearts and anger us. Our INACTIONS are us much a part of shaping the world as our actions are.
So, this is what i posted on my Facebook– bringing both praise and criticism– but no matter people’s views of what i posted, my intention is to ask us ALL (myself included!!!!) these questions:
You want to really honor Nelson Mandela and his life? Don’t just post a great quote of his and/or write some sweet sentiment or memory. Ask yourself, “How can I live MORE boldly, MORE courageously, with MORE commitment, MORE courage, MORE service, and MORE risk?!” Anything else is just a great quote and sweet sentiment. Nelson Mandela deserves MORE than that from ALL of us!!!
Good To Be Reminded Of What i Already “Know”
A response i wrote to someone today who is feeling overwhelmed and saddened by how horrible people can be… “i too struggle with dealing with the atrocities of this world. i rage against the ignorance and violence and greed. i get so upset and overwhelmed by it all. And then, i remember, the only person who is actually affected by those feelings is me. So… as painful as loving is, it sure beats the alternative. ; ) “
It was good to be reminded…
“I Am… Graffiti”
“I Am… Graffiti”
I write my memoirs
on the cracked
chipped
pealing walls
of your forgetfulness
your…
wish these places didn’t exist
your…
if I pretend they don’t exist
maybe they will
disappear
your…
if we only made these places
“better”
aka gentrification
aka pushing people out of the places
they call…
HOME.
I write my memoirs
on the walls and doors
you built…
to push me out…
to hold me down…
to keep me in my…
“place.”
Because you think
I belong in this
“place”
lower than you.
Because years upon years
and generations upon generations
of oppression, colonialism,
imperialism, and materialism
and a host of other “isms”
have tricked you
into believing
stereotypes and hierarchy
and…
you worked hard to get where you are…
and I
the stereotype
only want to live off welfare
and don’t want to work hard
and would be in a different place
if I truly wanted, worked hard,
and just visualized
“The Secret”
into my reality.
Because if I just visualized “The Secret” enough
then fancy cars and fancy houses
would be mine.
And it is only my laziness
and lack of positive thinking
and my “karma”
that keeps me here
writing my memoirs
on the cracked, chipped,
peeling walls
of your forgetfulness…
of your privilege…
of your inherited and internalized
racism.
Hoping against hope
that despite the odds,
despite the history that says,
”Light skin equals privilege”
that somehow
the colored paint
that spews forth from this can
into sometimes brilliant
sometimes pathetic
markings, scribbles, art, brilliant possibilities
and everything in between…
left as memoirs
on the cracked, chipped,
peeling walls
of your chosen forgetfulness…
that somehow
I will leave my mark…
refusing to be silenced
in a world that wishes to forget.
cjulia butterfly hill August 2013
Sea Stars
“Sea Stars”
i fell in love with you
over dinner
and music
and witnessing
the way you
held space in chaos
i fell in love with you
and the way you
are together
modeling the space
where love is present
and judgment is put to rest
i fell in love with you
because your being-ness
mirrored a possibility for me
that cracked through another layer
in the wall around my heart
letting light in to shine
on the hidden hurts
that don’t believe
this love is possible
And as my heart cracked open
tears filled the space
not tears of sorrow
tears of gratitude
that this possibility
of love
exists
breathing aliveness
into a place within me
that died a long time ago
i fell in love with you
because you are you
in a way
that touched and moved me
in a way that has left me changed
i am a better person
for having met you
witnessed you
listened to you
weave your magic
i am a better person
for having fell in love with the gift
of huge love
within you
Thank You
To find out who this poem is about and to hear the magical music that is Sea Stars, go to:
i had the pleasure of MC’íng for the first annual Arise Festival in Colorado this weekend. i also was in conversation with the wonderful Daryl Hannah and a few other things at the festival. My asthma was flaring up horribly because of elevation combined with dry air and massive amounts of dust. Although i struggled pretty hard physically the entire weekend, i had one incredible experience after another that gave me a breath beyond the physical. One of those moments was when the Universe conspired for the members of Sea Stars and the other musicians helping them out and i to be headed to dinner at the same time. We “broke bread” and by the end of dinner, i felt nourished far more than just through food.
i was not even scheduled to MC that evening, but i went up to the person who was scheduled to MC and asked if i could introduce Sea Stars because they had moved me so deeply. i did not even know yet how they sound; i just knew i was in love with them for who they are, and i knew their music would reflect their magic.
i introduced them as a powerful example of the beautiful balance possible between the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine, and as nourishment for the heart, mind, spirit, and soul.
i was right. Their music and the way they were on stage (they had huge technical challenges when they got on stage and dealt with them with such incredible grace and love) fed us all on every level.
Check them out and if you resonate with their music, PLEASE BUY their music! These are incredible people and incredible artists and they are in a time in their life where financial support through purchasing their music will make a big difference for them!
They truly changed me, and as a result, i know my life is changed. This is how much i love them.
Thank You and Blessings…
And LOVE– the kind that cracks open the walls around our heart to let light shine in to the hurting places we have hidden for so long,
julia
https://myspace.com/theseastars/music/song/sweet-morning-62106379-67844684
Diamonds Hidden in The Dirt
Sometimes life is difficult.
Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.
But this is only sometimes… not all the time.
Because of my experiences in my childhood,
and repeated throughout my life,
I realized I had created these as the lenses of the glasses that I see through—
dooming me to this being the only way life could be lived.
Because of my experiences growing up,
I created the belief, “I don’t need you.”
Funny thing…
it took someone else being a powerful stand
for me to get this insight.
Without their intercession,
I never would have realized that I held this as a hidden truth
underneath my work towards healthy relationships
with the Earth, with each other, and all beings.
As much work as I have done to heal
my experiences of trauma with my past,
I find that my past gets sneaky and puts on different masks
to disguise the fact
that it is still my past
pretending to be something new…
and oh so important.
My work is to heal and transform what I can
and to embrace and accept
those parts of my past that I cannot change—the ones that
bring me my gifts—
even as they also bring the parts of me that set me up
for struggle, suffering, and set-backs.
“Great Mystery (insert whatever name you choose here that resonates with your connection to something greater than yourself)
grant me the courage to change the things I can.
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
How true this is no matter our religious or non-religious beliefs.
I work hard
to be the very best me that I can be.
Oftentimes…
I am too hard…
on myself and others—
my knee jerk reaction to growing up in the profound hypocricy
of Christian religion.
The gift hidden in this part of my past…
I live my life to a level of excellence that holds me to a higher
commitment of being…
even when I am tired, frustrated, cynical, angry, and hurt.
I always say, “Love is the fiercest task master/mistress I have ever had.
Love holds me accountable to be bigger than my whining, my reasons,
and in all ways bigger than I know myself to be.”
Every time I think I am at peace with my past,
It shows up wearing a sneaky mask—
tricking and tripping me.
My work is to find the courage to change the things I can.
The serenity to accept the things I cannot.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
May we all find the courage to heal and transform the parts of our past that no longer serve us. The serenity, grace, and compassion to accept the things that are just part of who we are—even when they challenge us. And the wisdom to know the difference.
Love,
julia butterfly hill
Bend… Don’t Break
Hello Friends,
Recently I returned home to Belize from a quick trip I took to the states to celebrate a friend’s 40th Birthday while also taking care of some technical melt-down issues and some health issues (neither of which were able to be solved in Belize.)
Unfortunately, my plane leaving from San Francisco was delayed because of a mechanical issue which made me miss my connecting flight in Dallas. There were no more flights leaving Dallas going to Belize that day on any airline, so I was stuck in Dallas.
I was really disappointed, but I reflected—as I always try to do in situations like this—on the lesson from the trees in the storm, when life sends storms, bend, don’t break. I said a prayer of gratitude that the delay was not weather related as if that had been the case, I would have had to have paid out of my own pocket for accommodations and all food. I chatted with the gate agent who at first had been told to send me on to Miami, only to have me overnight in Miami. I very nicely said that seemed to be a bit ridiculous, and that it would be much better for me if I could just overnight in Dallas and fly direct from Dallas to Belize. She laughingly agreed with me, checked flights leaving the next morning from Dallas to Belize, saw there was space and booked me on the flight. As I was interacting with the agent as she was working on the computer, a guy walked up who had also been on my flight and was on his way to Belize as well. He and I started talking when he realized I live in Belize.
As we had to wait for our luggage to be re-routed, we agreed to go together to have lunch (with our, oh, so generous lunch vouchers from the airline. ; ) We had a lovely time going back and forth between talking about Belize and also our personal lives. When our hotel shuttle arrived, it was very old and falling apart and the list of names of hotels it serviced had me very worried for the quality of the hotel the airline was paying for us to stay. I noticed my thoughts running away with concern and worry, and I did my best to just let them go—worry and concern would not make the hotel any better. : )
When we arrived at our hotel, there was a horrible chemical smell in the lobby, so I asked the man checking us in, if the windows in the rooms opened, and when he said yes, I gave a sigh and prayer of gratitude that I would be able to get some fresh air into my room, as the main health challenge I had to deal with in the states was my asthma getting out of control and my going into acute respiratory arrest. Strong chemical off-gassing in the room was actually not going to be feasible for me, and I would have had to pay to get a room somewhere else, so I was very grateful when I knew I would be able to avoid that. My new friend and I were both exhausted from lack of sleep the night before and agreed we would take a nap and then check back in with each other on doing something in the evening together. Our plan was to go to the movies (I want to see Despicable Me2—yep, I am that kind of girl. ; ) But it turned out it was too far away and too expensive to take the cab there, so we chose to just walk across the street to a place where we could have a decent meal (we both laughed in a scared kind of way when were first told that our eating option was Denny’s! We both gave a sigh of relief when we found out the hotel across the street was a nicer hotel that had a bar and restaurant inside.)
The hours flew by with ease as we talked like we were old friends reuniting. As the evening became late and it was time to head back to our respective rooms (in the cheap hotel across the street ; ) I mentioned how grateful I was that if I had to get stuck en route, that I met someone so nice to pass the time with.
I was not always as patient a girl as I am now. My fuse was much shorter when I was younger, largely in part because I was so filled with judgment (which I now recognize is a defense mechanism.) I remain so grateful for the lesson of the trees in the storm—bend, don’t break—bend, flow, let it go. I have come to realize that when life gets painful and challenging, it is as if life has knocked us upside the head with a shovel. It is intense, and often times it is painful. However, if we respond to the painful challenge (aka: “storm”) with feelings like frustration, anger, or judgment, it is as if we then pick up that same shovel again and hit our own selves in the head with it! Not really the best idea if our goal is to find freedom, happiness, peace or anything like these!
When it comes to the issue of travelling, I am extremely aware that I cause harm to the Earth, and ALL its beings, every single time I travel. I do my very best to make sure that if I am travelling, I am doing all I know to do to somehow try to balance out the harm, suffering, and violence I am causing and creating.
And sometimes, in situations like this, where so much goes “wrong,” part of that equation includes being mindful of the “chainsaw” of my thoughts, and how that kills off and destroys any possibility for interactions of kindness, mindfulness, and meaningful connections with other people.
I continue to struggle with my health and my ability just to breathe. It has been a challenge my whole life. The gift hidden on the flip side of this coin is that I am never far at all from being present to the very real gift that every single breath truly is. Every single breath is a gift. What we choose to do with that gift is what defines us and creates the legacy of our lives. The true value of our lives does not exist in our bank accounts or retirement plans or anything like that. The true value—our legacy—lives in what kind of a world do we leave behind and how much did our being alive on this planet at this time make a positive difference in the world, for our planet we call home, and to all the life it sustains—past, present, and future?
Life sends storms. Bend, don’t break. Bend, flow, let it go. See what new possibilities arise when instead of fighting the storms, we choose to embrace them. Oftentimes, miracles and angels are all around us. We need only to open ourselves to them by releasing resisting and instead honoring the trees, our teachers—bend, don’t break. There are wonders all around us—even in the intensity of the storms.
Love,
jb
Julia Butterfly Hill's Weblog 